New Menu...
Following the success of our winter menu,Mr Horten has been beavering away like a ferret in a pigeon loft, working on the spring offering from the gastronomic nirvana that is sarah brownridge. There will be traditional yorkshire summer favourites such as faggots nestling on a bed of leaves, drizzled with cold gravy ,served in a giant yorkshire pudding.
G.P
It has been pointed out that some dishes on the current menu are achieving over 60%. Every dish on the new menu will achieve a G.P. of 58%. Managers are reminded that failure to achieve a 60% G.P. WILL result in disciplinary action.
Retirement.
It has been noted that one couple have retired on the excellant S.S Pension scheme, if any of the rest of you think you can slip under the radar, then you have another f***ing thing coming.
Chicken Breasts.
Doubts have been expressed as to whether the chicken breasts have been produced in line with company policy, with regard to fairtrade & small family company etc. I am assured by my diminutive supplier that the chicks have the life of Reilly for at least three and a half weeks before sacrificing themselves for the S.S. way of life.
Best Practice.
As you all know, the company rigidly follows a policy of best practice. To save on cleaning costs,the manager of Sinclaire's in manchester, now patrols the floor with a broom stuck up his arse. If you can't find a suitable lubricant then please contact him. Although his phone is likely to be engaged as his nose is perminantly stuck up my arse. Let me also remind you that if i ask you to call this pub for any reason i do expect you to do this as my little monkies reveal all.
Nuts.
It has been decided that rather than the large boxes of 170 packets, they will now come on cards of 48, similar to Big D nuts, that as they are sold, they slowly reveal a picture of rather racy young ladies. In keeping with our image, the picture will be..
Dry roasted= Dray horses
Chilli= Dray horses in the snow
Salted= Champion Clydesdale ready for stud and standing "proud". (A magnificent sight in the flesh,i can assure you).
Wet G.P.
Since i "suggested" that a 5% G.P. overall was achievable with little effort, almost every pub has increased their wet G.P., for which i thank you all, however, this begs the question, where has all the surplus been going up to now you thieving buggers? I currently have a team of accountants working out how much you all owe me. (except the brown noses as without me, where would you be).
The end.
I would like to take credit for this memo, as it has made me giggle for the first time in ages, but i cant, it has been passed on to me by some of the great unsung hero's in the S.S trade.
