A Few Topical Jokes

[Mcclaggan]

A ghost walks into a Sam Smiths pub with his severed head carried under his left arm and asks for a pint of bitter.

The chap behind the bar refuses to serve him.

Ghost: "What's the matter? Why won't you serve me? What have you got against ghosts?"

Barman: "Nothing against ghosts. I just can't afford to serve you a beer without a head"

*********

What's the difference between a pint of lager, a packet of crisps and a T-mobile top up card?

Sam Smiths do lager and crisps but they don't do top ups

*********

A man walks into a Sam Smiths pub and ask for three quarters of a pint of bitter.

The barman says "The till doesn't allow me to serve that amount. Anyway we don't do three quarter pint glasses."

Man: "Well how about filling the half pint glass up to the top or putting it into a pint glass like you normally do?"

*********

The last one wasn't much good.

[OldBreweryDrinker]

A ghost walks into a Sam Smiths pub with his severed head carried under his left arm and asks for a pint of bitter.

The chap behind the bar refuses to serve him.

Ghost: "What's the matter? Why won't you serve me? What have you got against ghosts?"

Barman: "Nothing against ghosts. I just can't afford to serve you a beer without a head"

*********

What's the difference between a pint of lager, a packet of crisps and a T-mobile top up card?

Sam Smiths do lager and crisps but they don't do top ups

*********

A man walks into a Sam Smiths pub and ask for three quarters of a pint of bitter.

The barman says "The till doesn't allow me to serve that amount. Anyway we don't do three quarter pint glasses."

Man: "Well how about filling the half pint glass up to the top or putting it into a pint glass like you normally do?"

*********

The last one wasn't much good.

Very good 

[hurtbyhumph]

 

am sure humphry will smile lol nice 1

[whizz]

You've started something now, my effort, Dopey the dwarf goes into a Sams pub and asks for a tot of Bells Whisky, the landlord said "Sorry, we dont serve well known shorts".

[whizz]

The landlord in a Sams pub sets on a new barman, a chap who doesn't listen properly. On his first day the landlord sees him with a pint glass in his hand, half full of beer and half of froth, he says, "What are you doing with that", the barman says "You told me to serve a pint with a 50% head" "I said 5% you idiot" says the landlord.

[whizz]

A tramp goes into a Sams pub, the landlord says "Get out, we dont serve tramps" the tramp says " Yes you do, there's one in the corner with a half pint stuffing a beer mat into his shoe".

[hurtbyhumph]

pmfsl

[OldBreweryDrinker]

A tramp goes into a Sams pub, the landlord says "Get out, we dont serve tramps" the tramp says " Yes you do, there's one in the corner with a half pint stuffing a beer mat into his shoe".

Very funny and good. But Humphrey has been refused service in one of his pubs a few years ago. Obviously the manager or staff member didn't know who he was. 

[whizz]

Yes but I gather that he has been seen in one of his pubs doing just that, as reported on this site a while back.

[canaldrifter]

A beautiful leggy long-haired blonde strolls seductively into a Sam Smith's public bar. The bar-flies move over for her. She thanks them with a sweet smile. She arranges herself artistically on a bar stool revealing a lot of thigh. She asks for a pint of OBB, and downs it in one. She asks for another and downs that in one too, not complaining that the glass was far less than 95% full. She asks for a third and it disappears just as quickly, without question.

She places her empty glass on the bar, burps gently into a silk handkerchief, excuses herself to those within earshot, pays for her drinks, puts her change in the charity box, and sexily wiggles out of the bar with a wave of farewell, carefully closing the door behind her.

There is a stunned silence in the room. Eventually an SS regular at the bar stuffs his eyeballs back into their sockets and asks the barman, "Who the hell was that?"

The barman replies, "Oh, she's just one of our model customers."

Tone

[OldBreweryDrinker]

A beautiful leggy long-haired blonde strolls seductively into a Sam Smith's public bar. The bar-flies move over for her. She thanks them with a sweet smile. She arranges herself artistically on a bar stool revealing a lot of thigh. She asks for a pint of OBB, and downs it in one. She asks for another and downs that in one too, not complaining that the glass was far less than 95% full. She asks for a third and it disappears just as quickly, without question.

She places her empty glass on the bar, burps gently into a silk handkerchief, excuses herself to those within earshot, pays for her drinks, puts her change in the charity box, and sexily wiggles out of the bar with a wave of farewell, carefully closing the door behind her.

There is a stunned silence in the room. Eventually an SS regular at the bar stuffs his eyeballs back into their sockets and asks the barman, "Who the hell was that?"

The barman replies, "Oh, she's just one of our model customers."

Tone

Not sure if Humphrey would approve of her model customer status. Normally he likes a victorian era type of customer in his pubs.