If you can keep your job when all about you,
are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
it shows you haven't got a clue.
If you can't wait to find things lacking,
of if you can't invent some lies;
or be hated by those your sacking,
yet don't look too good nor speak too wise.
If you can creep, and serve your lord and master,
even though he's not entirely sane;
If you can turn triumph to disaster,
and treat the whole world with disdain.
If you can speak with Humph and Ollie,
and influence the way they act,
if you encourage all their folly;
you'll empty pubs that should be packed.
If you abuse your meagre powers
exploiting managers and their wives,
if you can decimate staff hours,
you'll make a misery of their lives.
If you can push them to work faster
than anyone was ever meant,
they might just sell more pies and pasta,
they may achieve your five percent.
If you lack all social graces,
if you despise your fellow man,
if you can laugh in peoples faces,
as their careers go down the pan.
If you can take a proud tradition,
and bring it down and lay it low;
if you can make it your lifes mission
to bring distress where e'er you go.
If you can work without recourse to virtue,
and stalk the streets- but not too much;
because of those who'd love to hurt you,
as you destroy the things you touch.
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
with ninety seconds worth of damage done,
you can take your bloody pub and bin it;
'cause which is more- you'll be a FRAN old son!
